


Downhill, head on, this crash is comin' slowly.

by wuyifan (kriswu)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 16:42:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2588756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswu/pseuds/wuyifan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silence is lethal for the living; capable of turning the strongest of men into fragile shadows of their own sorrow and unsaid words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Downhill, head on, this crash is comin' slowly.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [froidenuit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/froidenuit/gifts).



> This is for Anna who didn’t ask me to write it, which is the reason I’m not sure she’ll like this; I took her prompt and wrote it my way. She tweeted about wanting a one shot about [this song](http://textuploader.com/ou1i/raw), and since I love it with my everything, I decided I’d write it. TAKE THIS AS YOUR BELATED BIRTHDAY GIFT. The only warning for this will be its ambiguity. Because I suck.  
> (Title from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1vkXxn65ec). Also, a [playlist](http://8tracks.com/areumtaoun/downhill-head-on) I’ve made for this, because I had nothing better to do, you can ignore it.)  
> [On livejournal](http://hemiplegicdays.livejournal.com/2106.html) (because format sigh.)

 

 

_You love not me,_  
 _And love alone can lend you loyalty;_  
 _I know and knew it. But, unto the store_  
 _Of human deeds divine in all but name,_  
 _Was it not worth a little hour or more?_

**– Thomas Hardy** ; A Broken Appointment.

 

 

 

 

The little store around the corner of Luhan’s block of flats could probably tell each and every one of Luhan’s heartbreaks, he mused; if it could, it would say his heart had always been broken on the same person for as long as he had been a customer: three years. 

 

Four years back, Luhan had been part of a cosy group of friends who went to the same uni as him. It had been his and Minseok’s idea, but it was Yifan the one to actually organise at least a group chat, adding them and their other seven friends. He’d always thought those so called closed groups of friends were petty and stupid, yet he soon realised it was fun; like being a celebrity without the annoying flash of multiple cameras shoved at his face.

 

A few months later, there were two new members in their group. One of them was the boy on whom Kyungsoo did _not_  have a crush, Jongin, who could charm the pants off anyone, and a friend of both Jongdae and Tao, Sehun, who was really boyish and shy, but let a short glimpse of sharp tongue show at some point. Luhan had liked both boys, taken them under his wing and told them to be comfortable around him, to which both boys agreed heartily. 

 

Only seven months later, Luhan found himself calling Yixing at a little past midnight, cursing himself and his luck when he got a busy tone; he texted him to call him as soon as he finished the other call. His phone rang 40 minutes later.

 

“To what do I owe the displeasure?” Yixing said as a way of greeting.

 

Luhan sighed forlornly, not in the mood to banter with Yixing, before explaining in detail the reason behind his late night call. He checked the clock on his wall when he finished; he had spent 25 minutes dissecting every little feeling of his to Yixing, ending up a lot more confused and on the verge of breaking down. 

 

He realised it might’ve not been the smartest decision when Yixing decided to be rational instead of a good friend, “you should tell him. I’m pretty sure he’s had a crush on you ever since he and Jongin joined us.”

 

“I called you because you like to sugar coat things so people feel better, I didn’t want to hear something that’s clearly a lie.”

 

“Sometimes you need to hear the truth. I have a mid-term at a quarter past seven, though. I’ll go sleep; you should rest some, too.”

 

After Yixing hung up, Luhan thought about telling Sehun he had a crush on him. Worst-case scenario, Sehun would reject him, which wouldn’t cause much trouble since they didn’t have any class together, and they saw each other mostly at one of the others’ houses for their meetings and whatnot. Luhan was not about to deny the fact that he did go out of his way to bump into Sehun on campus, or that he invited him for tea at least once a week, because they did have a special bond over things the others didn’t care about. 

 

With that in mind, he shimmied out of his jeans and turned the lights off before going to bed. It would be a long night and he wasn’t sure he’d get any sleep, but he’d try.

 

The next day greeted him with a comfy Jongin sitting on Sehun’s lap and a sulky Kyungsoo, and it was all it took to convince Luhan he should never tell Sehun he had a crush on him, not caring that the day after, Jongin and Kyungsoo were sitting together and twining their hands, while Sehun rolled his eyes at them, muttering a ‘gross’ in their direction. He had chickened out the day before and vowed to not say a word about his feelings to Sehun; they’d probably go away soon. 

 

Sometime later, he offered Sehun the empty room he had in his flat, seeing as he’d come from a different city and was struggling to pay his part of the rent. It had been Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s idea, since they were planning to tell Jongin to move in with them, and he and Sehun shared costs. Baekhyun seemed preoccupied by the fact that Jongin was moving  _in_  with him  _and_  Kyungsoo, even when Chanyeol spent half of his time in the flat as well.

 

“So, what I’m saying is that since you two have this weird friendship going on, you could help him out. He will not refuse your offer, and it’s not like he will freeload, you know him.”

 

And the problem was that Baekhyun was right, he did know Sehun, and knew he would help as much as he could, as well as he knew that if it were any of their other ten friends, Sehun would politely decline. 

 

“I will tell him, sure.”

 

But after three years of living together and teasing Sehun (and himself, although he would never admit that), being like an older brother, but flirting at times, and gazing longingly at him when he thought no one was paying attention, he was about ready to scream, or explode, whichever happened first. That’s how autumn found him sitting across from Sehun and Jongin three months before his graduation inside a small coffee shop downtown, for their still ongoing tradition of getting tea at least once a week.

 

Those small trips, however, had become Luhan’s source of pure masochism, a reminder of the million reasons why Sehun would never be his – as if he needed that. Jongin liked to tag along sometimes, and Luhan felt like he could breathe a little better on those evenings; he had a distraction, he could focus on Jongin’s warm smile and knowing eyes instead of Sehun’s expectant ones, his jawline, or even his lips as words rolled out of them.

 

“You’re leaving us soon, Luhan. I’m going to miss you so much,” Jongin confessed, looking nonchalant, although Luhan knew he was being honest and it probably hurt Jongin a lot to see him go.

 

“Worry not, my loyal younger brother, as I shall continue to live in the same home.”

 

Sehun chuckled at Luhan’s lame antics, “yeah, Jongin, he can’t kick me out and you know you’re always invited, so why are you acting like a drama queen? You’re gayer than Tao, I swear.”

 

“You see him every day, you fuckface,” Jongin rolled his eyes at Sehun, “I get to see him when I invade your tea dates and sometimes when both of us have free time, which lately never happens.”

 

“You’re such a baby, goddamn.”

 

Luhan was laughing at them; he had always been a fan of their banter. He didn’t miss the way Jongin had referred to their meetings as ‘dates’, though. It had made his gut churn uncomfortably. So many years of loving the person sitting in front of him, whom he could never have, had turned him into a paranoid mess of half excuses and doubtful feelings.

 

“Sehun is right, just being a little brat about it, Jongin. You’re always welcome to stay at our flat. I hope that we’ll still see each other frequently.”

 

Jongin hummed while sipping his coffee – because tea was for pussies, in his opinion. “Have you got any job offers yet?”

 

“I have! You know I’ve always wanted to open up my own business, but I might take on one of those jobs, depending on how long they want me to work for them. A little extra money will not hurt me; neither will some experience and acquaintances.”

 

Sehun nodded, smiling reassuringly at Luhan as he finished answering Jongin’s question.

 

“Yeah, and also, within those acquaintances you could find a group who would like to work in a different place, and give them an offer to work for a start-up. I know you have great plans for your future and your business, and I think you’ll do amazing.”

 

“I agree with Sehun. You’ll be very successful.”

 

Luhan felt his throat constrict at his friends’ words; they were always so sincere and supportive, it made him feel warm and loved. Jongin was full of conviction and Luhan knew he’d always seen him as a role model. However, he had taken Sehun’s words personally, his heart flip-flopping in his ribcage at the thought of making Sehun proud.

 

“Thank you for having faith in me, I appreciate it.” 

 

He smiled weakly before Sehun stood up and sat on his left side so he and Jongin could hug him silently.

 

Luhan hated to feel so small and vulnerable, but he hated more to  _seem_  small and vulnerable. It was a blow to his ego every time Sehun and Jongin acted like the older men in their three-way friendship. He recalled a time when they acted like little scared bunnies, even with their outspoken personalities, and Luhan was like a kind king who would help them regain their self-confidence. 

 

Nevertheless, this was his reality, his present time and his battered self. His friends from uni had found someone, some going as far as getting married, as it was Minseok’s case, with stable jobs and stable states of mind. He, on the other hand, had become the best liar with the most disarming smile. Sometimes he wondered if they all bought the act, or if they were just waiting for him to hit rock bottom, or ask for their help. He also wondered if Sehun noticed, if he knew the reason behind Luhan’s well-masked distress.

 

Something told him Sehun did, but just like everyone else, he was just waiting for Luhan to speak up.

 

How Luhan suspected Sehun had, at least, a vague idea of his feelings? He couldn’t exactly explain it. It was the way Sehun would look at him at times, open and unguarded, waiting for Luhan to slip up, to address the metaphorical elephant in the room – which often happened to be their shared kitchen during dinner. It scared Luhan, too, because he wasn’t sure Sehun would be there to catch him. He knew him well, but couldn’t be sure of his intentions, when all Sehun did was throw Luhan’s own game back at him. 

 

“What are you waiting for? That kid is just as in love with you as you are with him, Luhan. I’ve seen him turn down at least 10 people in the last couple of years, why do you think is that?”

 

Luhan rolled his eyes; Yixing could be so dramatic when he wanted to. Why did he even think making Luhan jealous was a good idea?

 

“Maybe he’s a very serious student who doesn’t want to complicate his life with a boy or girlfriend, maybe he’s just asexual, who the fuck cares?”

 

“You care, and you know what? You’re the only one who cares from now on, because I am done with trying to help you come to your senses, Luhan. I’m your best friend, I love and respect you as my senior as well, but I can’t do this anymore. I have not intervened because as much as I am concerned, it is not my business what you do with your personal life.” Yixing breathed in before continuing, “I see it from an outsider’s point of view, but you still refuse to believe me, and I really hate to see how both of you hurt each other with your silences, so I’m stepping out.”

 

Yixing’s visit and outburst had left Luhan a mess, even after Sehun had come home to find him curled up in the hallway. He hadn’t asked questions.

 

Of course Yixing’s words had made him doubt Sehun and himself, but what good was to wonder, when it was clear that, even if Sehun felt something, there was something else holding him back? If all Sehun needed was Luhan to confess to him, was it really worth the risk? Luhan wasn’t willing to, and he wouldn’t blame Sehun if he wasn’t, either.

 

There’d been times when Luhan had talked himself into being honest to Sehun, but come the moment of truth, he would just not say anything, often leaving Sehun to wonder and look at him questioningly, but never really asking. It made Luhan feel trapped and dizzy, like a wild cat in a kennel after receiving a sedative shot. 

 

The small balcony on the other side of his window was frequently his place of choice to sit and think; he’d often recited his love to Sehun there, while Sehun was asleep, but mostly, when he wasn’t home. Afterwards he’d feel like the moon was staring down at them, alternating between him and Sehun, unsure of the reason behind Luhan’s melancholy.

 

He was aware that if he let himself be irrational, the consequences would be devastating; Sehun was everything he’d ever wanted, and he had proven this year by year, by showing Luhan his personal growth and emotional maturity. He’d become more independent, too, and the self-confidence that came from being young and beautiful had morphed into confidence that only the ones who were sure of themselves without being cocky had, which was the reason Luhan doubted Sehun had feelings for him.

 

But Luhan’s mind was usually his worst enemy, and at times when he was feeling down, it replayed one of his wildest fantasy: Sehun reacting to his confession. On good days Sehun’s reaction went from him reciprocating his feelings to him rejecting Luhan, but staying friends with him. On bad days, Sehun’s face would remain expressionless as he turned around and walked out of their house and Luhan’s life forever.

 

“Luhan, can we talk for a minute?”

 

Sehun’s voice wavered slightly, making Luhan nervous as he sat at their table. He filled two glasses of water before sitting himself down in front of him.

 

“Did you know, Sehun, that ‘we need to talk’, ‘can we talk’ and you saying those sentences while being serious is scarier than The Conjuring?”

 

Sehun smiled shyly then, relaxing a bit before breathing deeply. 

 

“Sorry for scaring you, it’s just that I’m nervous.”

 

_He’s nervous,_  Luhan thought sadly. The small smile still playing on Sehun’s lips, and it was enough for Luhan to know that this would be difficult for them to hear, but not life-changing.

 

“Alright,” Sehun sighed, “I’ve been thinking for, like, a long time and I have finally come to a conclusion. This is, like, the last step of said conclusion. I just need your approval; because you know, you’re, like, my conscience, right? And –”

 

“Sehun,” Luhan interrupted him rudely, “you’re rambling. I already lost count of how many times you’ve said ‘like’. Do it quick, make it painless.” 

 

“Sorry. It is true, though. Your opinion matters a lot to me,” Luhan nodded before glaring at him. “Fuck. Okay. I don’t know how to bring it up, so I’ll just– I might be going to study abroad for a year.”

 

Luhan’s insides went cold as Sehun finished speaking, and he felt nauseous when he realised he was smiling encouragingly at him.

 

“You were nervous of telling me that?” He asked, not recognising his own voice and not sure where this pseudo-strength was coming from. “You know I will support you no matter what, Sehun.”

 

At that, Sehun’s face brightened visibly, even though Luhan saw a something darker flash in his eyes a millisecond before.

 

“I was worried, what if you didn’t like the idea? What if you kicked me out because I’m leaving?” Luhan rolled his eyes at him.

 

“First of all, why would I do that? And, whether it’s your mother or the person you’re dating, or even a deity you believe in, you should never stop going for what you want just because someone else says so, are we clear?”

 

Luhan finished his little speech with quivering lips; he didn’t know if it was because Sehun would leave or because he couldn’t follow his own advice. He saw Sehun nod along before his eyes filled with water and spilt. 

 

“Luhan? Luhan, are you okay?” Sehun’s voice distilled sheer worry and Luhan hated himself for being so weak. Why the fuck was he crying? Even better, why the fuck was he crying in front of someone? In front of Sehun, at that.

 

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, coming up with a lie quickly, “I’m just so proud of you.”

 

After that, both of their lives became hectic; while Luhan was preparing for his graduation and, rather stressful, final project, Sehun was trying to keep up with his classes while working double shifts and finding home abroad. Luhan often found himself home alone and wondered if it’d feel worse once Sehun had actually left. He usually invited Jongin and Kyungsoo over so they kept him company and cooked with him; Kyungsoo would make food for four when it was his turn without even asking. Sehun was always grateful for it.

 

He still spent most of his time alone, however. His friends both had lives, and a relationship of their own. He’d never thought he was a loner, but he found himself extremely lonely at the lack of a certain Oh Sehun lounging around their flat.

 

Autumn was nearing its end and Luhan felt colder than ever; it was never good to mix winter with his gloominess, but at least Sehun was home for the day. Luhan had become better at breathing when he wasn’t around and had stopped cooking out of loneliness. Sehun would come home to find different types of biscuits and pound cakes scattered all over the kitchen, and a rosy-cheeked Luhan standing in the middle of the room, looking apologetic as he explained he’d got bored and decided to make half his weight in baked goods. 

 

Luhan thought Sehun had been working his ass off in order to save more money for his overseas trip, but when Sehun explained that he’d done it so he could ask for a few days off and attend Luhan’s graduation, Luhan felt like his heart would burst at any moment. He loved Sehun so much it was literally painful, and every time Sehun did things like that, he fell just a bit harder. 

 

During his graduation speech, he saw Sehun, Jongin, Yixing and Tao in the crowd. To see them standing there was amazing. He knew Yixing was there for Yifan, too, but knowing that just made it the more amazing and he briefly wished for his best friend to always be as happy as possible. Jongin had cried a little while Sehun and Tao rolled their eyes at him for being such a cry-baby. 

 

The whole class plus their guests rented a whole restaurant, heading there after the ceremony; Luhan’s family had been unable to make it, but they’d arrive in Seoul sometime later during the week. Sehun had managed to find them a table large enough to fit their whole group; Jongin had asked Kyungsoo to join them for dinner, who invited Minseok and his wife, Jihye, as well, so they were at least 10 people sitting at a table, and it was incredibly loud.

 

With Sehun sitting by his side, he wasn’t sure he wanted to drink much. Lately, his self-control had been a joke, and he didn’t want a day like his graduation day to end with tears, no matter whose. Minseok proposed a toast and gave a small speech about how proud he was of his two friends, as well as those who were still studying and would be graduating during the following years.

 

Tears were shed and food was eaten, and Luhan was delighted by the way Sehun smiled next to him, openly, so happy, as if there wasn’t any other place he’d rather be. He himself felt that way; he had a diploma and his friends, and he had Sehun, too, even if not in the way he wanted him. 

 

Sehun’s hectic schedule continued after his graduation dinner. Luhan had nothing to do until February, if he decided to accept one of those job offers, and without something to fret about, his mind was making him miserable. His family had stayed for a week and they’d been a welcomed distraction. They had all met Sehun before, so it was not an actual problem, except Sehun had refused to let Luhan sleep on the sofa, and so he found himself sleeping in Sehun’s bed for a whole week; he hadn’t even realised he’d done an incredible job of memorising Sehun’s scent. He had always thought it was  _stupid_  to miss someone’s smell, but as he kicked himself mentally, he wished he could sleep in Sehun’s bed forever. 

 

They would go to their respective homes during the holidays, agreeing to come home before New Year’s Eve, since Sehun’s departure was scheduled for the first week of January. It’d been Sehun’s idea to spend a week together at home, no job or uni, or anything except each other’s company. 

 

“It’s just so I don’t miss you when I leave,” he’d explained to Luhan, “living with you has been amazing and I’ve been doing it for so long that I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive sharing a house with a bunch of strangers.”

 

On his flight back to Seoul, Luhan spent the first hour, and a half of the second, trying to calm down. He wasn’t sure if he was nervous because he’d see Sehun, or if it was just the fact that he was flying by himself and still had thirty more minutes to go. After he deemed himself calm enough, he let his mind wander; it naturally went to Sehun and his unavoidable trip. He wondered if it’d been an easy decision, if Sehun had thought of him and how his absence would affect him; he even let himself be selfish and think of Sehun missing him so much, he’d come home earlier than expected.

 

The sight that greeted him when he opened the door to his flat was priceless: a rather dishevelled, shirtless Sehun, wearing sweats and an apron that read ‘kiss the cook’ and a an arrow pointing downwards, which had been a gift from Jongin and Kyungsoo, walking back into the kitchen. Luhan secondarily thought he wouldn’t mind kissing that cook, momentarily surprising himself, since he’d eyed said apron disapprovingly in more than one occasion. Sehun stopped in his tracks.

 

“You’re back early! Come in, get into your pjs, I’m making something you’ll definitely like.”

 

“You’ve sounded just like my mother.” 

 

Sehun giggled. “I might have asked her to teach me some of her magic words when she was here.”

 

“You two are a threat to society when you’re together.”

 

“And we take great pride in it. Now go, go. Get ready, we need to take full advantage of this week, Luhan.”

 

Luhan got the idea that their week would only cause future pain, when Sehun was gone and Luhan only had their memories to hold onto. He wasn’t sure when he’d become such a sentimental person; when had his unspoken feelings taken control of his life? He hadn't been pleased with the answer his brain had provided. 

 

And so, their week consisted in Sehun acting like a tour guide and Luhan being dragged from one side of the city to the other, going as far as visiting the Hanok village and touring it because “no, Luhan, just because you’ve seen every historical drama out there it means you know about the Joseon era as much as you think you do.” To which Luhan replied with a bitter comment about Sehun being a history freak, and that historical dramas were  _educational_ , or so Sehun thought he’d heard. 

 

They ended up hitting a club on Wednesday night, and for once, Luhan felt like there were no boundaries between them, like they were more than friends, or casual strangers with the common goal of relaxing in a crowded place. On Friday, Sehun asked Luhan to go shopping with him, so he could take new clothes with him to France.

 

“Make sure you learn how to dirty talk in French, alright?” Luhan nonchalantly suggested as they entered Sehun’s favourite store. “No one will resist you that way.”

 

Sehun burst out laughing before replying, “I will, yeah. You’ll be the first one to test my skill when I come home.”

 

Luhan did his best to keep it together, nodding and laughing a little himself, “we’ll see.”

 

In reality, he was in the midst of a very heated discussion with himself in his head, unsure if Sehun was being suggestive, over-friendly or just his usual self; he was, however, a bit touched at the way Sehun referred to their flat as  _his home_.

 

“Spending time with Tao rubs off on you,” was Sehun’s explanation when Luhan complained about having been shopping for over three hours.

 

“No shit. We’re going to be late for dinner and I’ll solely blame it on you.”

 

Sehun pouted at Luhan’s words, but didn’t argue; he knew Luhan wasn’t angry, or lying. Kyungsoo and Jongin had organised a small dinner at Kyungsoo’s parents’ house in Suwon, since it’d be empty for the weekend and it was spacious enough to fit all of their friends. They’d been there a few times, but Luhan had never actually driven there before, so he wanted to be on the road early in case they got lost, but it was almost three in the afternoon and they had yet to go to their house and get ready.

 

Luckily, there was no traffic by the time they left the flat for the second time that day; they arrived in Suwon a little before half six. Jongin congratulated them annoyingly for arriving early.

 

“Kyungsoo and I would have arrived early if it weren’t for the fact that we were already here, but Junmyeon is the only one who’s already arrived, you should be proud of yourselves!” Sehun laughed hard when Luhan hit Jongin on the back of his head.

 

“Don’t act so virtuous, you’re only ever on time because you live with Kyungsoo.”

 

 

“Who else is coming?” Sehun asked Kyungsoo after leaving Jongin and Luhan to banter some more.

 

“Oh. Hi, Sehun, you’re earlier than I thought,” Sehun scoffed at his greeting. “I think everyone’s coming, Jongdae’s just come back from Japan, and Yifan and Tao must have landed in Gimpo earlier. Baekhyun and Chanyeol should be arriving anytime now; I was expecting them, not you two to arrive so soon, actually.”

 

“You’re such a mother.” 

 

Kyungsoo grinned sheepishly, the faintest hint of an apologetic smile gracing his features, “I’m sorry, I work with Junmyeon and live with Jongin, what else you expect?”

 

“I take it all back, honest. I would have gone mad already.”

 

“I’ve not become a real-life serial killer because it’s only two people who awaken my inner murderer instinct, but I do appreciate your sympathy.”

 

They both laughed loudly before Jongin interrupted them.

 

 

At eight sharp, all of their friends –plus Jihye–, were sitting at the table; only Kyungsoo and a whiny Jongin serving their food. Luhan felt sad while Sehun was enjoying himself, although he did think it felt a lot different from Luhan’s graduation dinner. He did have a lot of fun with Jongdae’s stories of his experience in Japan.

 

“So, you’re coming back around this date next year?” Baekhyun asked after taking a sip of his drink.

 

Sehun hummed. “Probably, maybe before; the sixth semester starts on Monday next week, and the seventh ends on the second week of December. I’ll try to be back before New Year’s, that’d be really good.”

 

“When did you grow up so much? You make me feel old, talking about travelling alone and whatnot,” it was Yixing who replied, instead of Baekhyun who just nodded along. Sehun just shrugged and resumed eating. 

 

By the end of the night, Kyungsoo and Jongin insisted that they stayed the night, but both Luhan and Sehun refused, saying Sehun had to be at the airport at ten in the morning, and that if they stayed, they’d be late and he’d miss his flight. 

 

They all understood, so they said goodbye to him, wishing him the best, smiling and telling him how proud of him they were. Jongin clung to him and threatened to go to France and choke him to death if he dared not call at least once every two weeks, ending his speech with a meaningful ‘take care’ and an ‘I love you, you fucker, even if you’re leaving me lonely in that hell that is our uni.’

 

The ride back was silent; Luhan couldn’t trust himself or his words at the moment. Sehun fell asleep at some point, body turned completely towards Luhan, face peaceful and as if he’d been looking at Luhan before falling asleep. Luhan shook him awake, not really wanting to, when they reached the car park of their block of flats.

 

“Hey, Sehun, we’re here. Come on; let’s go upstairs so you can sleep in an actual bed.”

 

Sehun stirred, sighing heavily, “I still have things to put in my suitcase.” 

 

Luhan couldn’t sleep. He tried making tea for both of them, since Sehun was still awake at one in the morning, he watched cheap TV that you only see during the early hours of the morning, he even took a shower sometime between three and four in the morning, but not even that helped. Instead, he panicked; what if this kept happening once Sehun was gone? He wouldn’t be able to maintain a job if he couldn’t sleep. He towelled himself dry and went out of the bathroom, choosing to check on Sehun before turning the rest of the lights off and heading to his room. 

 

“Can’t sleep?” Sehun asked eyes droopy. “Already miss me that much?”

 

Luhan smiled sadly, “maybe. You know that restlessness you used to get when you were in school, the night before a field trip?” Sehun nodded, “well, that’s kind of how I’m feeling right now.”

 

“I’ll be on a different country this time tomorrow and it’s only just now that I’m dreading it and thinking that I don’t want to go anywhere, to be honest.”

 

Luhan nodded, “maybe you’re afraid of the unknown, but that’ll pass as soon as you’re there and settle in, you’ll see.”

 

The thing was that, as much as Luhan wanted Sehun to stay, he knew this was important to Sehun. He knew it wouldn’t happen again, and that it would help Sehun and his career more than they knew. 

 

“You know, Luhan. I really hate that you always know what to say,” replied Sehun with the biggest bitchface he could muster.

 

Luhan laughed, laughed until his tears spilt and his belly ached. “There’s a reason I’m old, wrinkly and sending you away to a different continent in a few hours, Sehun,” he said between cackles, dragging the last syllable of Sehun's name.

 

He stayed with Sehun for a few more minutes, helping him finish everything. He then went into the kitchen, given it was half five, and started to tidy up, foregoing sleeping in favour of not sleeping in and making Sehun late. By seven, he had already cleaned the entire flat, sans Sehun’s room, and was preparing breakfast. Crêpes, because he had a sense humour that enticed everyone but him. 

 

He woke Sehun up a half hour later, telling him what he’d made for breakfast, jokingly telling him that it was only because he wanted Sehun to be a food critique when he was older.

 

Sehun thanked Luhan, questioning him about those suspicious bags under his eyes, to which Luhan defended himself by saying those were actually because he’d not slept much. He figured it wasn’t a complete lie in the end.

 

As the clock got dangerously closer to 8 30, Luhan’s dread had reached its highest level, so much so, he was sure he’d puke at some point. Sehun had told him he’d be ready in ten minutes, but Luhan couldn’t stay in the flat any longer, so he grabbed Sehun’s baggage and told him he’d wait downstairs. 

 

Luhan’s stomach was in knots during the entire ride to the airport, which was a ten-minute drive; fifteen, if there was traffic. Sehun was silent, too, which only fuelled Luhan’s queasiness. 

 

Luhan had Sehun’s suitcase glued to his hand, as if it were some kind of anchor; he was sure Sehun had noticed this, and that it was the reason he’d not grabbed it himself. But, of course, there was no queue when Sehun had to check in, and soon, the suitcase wasn’t in Luhan’s hand anymore. 

 

Drama wasn’t Luhan’s thing, even if he did enjoy watching Korean dramas from time to time; he just liked to watch parallel universes and love lives sadder than his own. He felt like something had been ripped from him, though. Sehun’s departure wasn’t something he could pretend wouldn’t happen anymore, because it was  _already happening_ , and he was still not ready.

 

When a female voice announced Sehun’s flight, Luhan just couldn’t keep the act up anymore.

 

“Luhan,” Sehun’s voice trembled, “I’m going to miss you very much, do you know that?”

 

Luhan’s eyes watered as he nodded, “I’m going to miss you, too. You have no idea how much.”

 

His goodbye sounded inadequately intimate, even to himself, but he couldn’t feel worried when Sehun was hugging him so tightly. “I will call you as soon as I land, I don’t care if you’re asleep. Take care, and I will see you soon, okay?”

 

“You too, take care. Now go, I’ll wait for your call,” Luhan replied, voice choked. His answer had sounded more like an ‘I’ll wait for you’ than anything else, but he hoped Sehun wouldn’t notice. 

 

Sehun nodded tightly and started walking towards the gate. He turned around several times only to wave at Luhan; it made him giggle a little. He waited until the plane took off to leave the airport, and only when he was in his flat, he let himself cry. The place felt cold and empty and he was feeling things he had never felt before, none of them positive.

 

He fell asleep a little after noon, only waking up at midnight when the house phone rang.

 

“Hello?”

 

_“Hey, Luhan. Sorry, is it late? I’ve just finished the tour around campus and the dorms, it’s only four in the afternoon here, but I feel just about ready for bed. I couldn’t call when we landed.”_

 

Luhan yawned into the line before replying, “I don’t know, I fell asleep after lunch, but it’s midnight. You shouldn’t sleep though, because you’ll be jet-lagged forever then.” He stopped when he heard his own voice, “I sound like shit, sorry. I’m still half asleep.” Sehun chuckled, Luhan’s insides churned.

 

_”It’s fine, you didn’t sleep at all last night, I know it. Anyway, before you ask, yes, I like this place already, I think you’d love it; we should come sometime. I’m waiting for my adoptive family to pick me up, because the tour bus only drops people off at campus. What else?” He paused, “I already had a crêpe, and all I can say is, please refrain from trying to cook food from other cultures,” he chuckled. “I think that is it, I will leave you so you can go to bed again. I will call tomorrow again.”_

 

“Alright, alright. You sound so chipper; you’re giving me a headache. Have a nice day, then. And remember, there are tons of apps in which we’ve added each other, even though we live together. You can text me.”

 

_”Okay, I will text you then. Sleep tight! Tell the others, please.”_

 

Surprisingly, Luhan did go back to bed and sleep came easy after that phone call. He thought it was probably because, even if he was far away, Sehun was okay. 

 

Two weeks into February, Luhan felt miserable. His flat was spotless, and, in combination with the silence that engulfed it, it looked vacant. Yixing often came and stayed the night, sometimes bringing Yifan and even Tao. Jongdae liked to call them The Fantastic Four Virgins, something that had made Jongin and Sehun laugh until their ribs hurt one time that all of them were together and called Sehun on Skype.

 

Nevertheless, more often than not, he was alone in his flat. Having finished uni, but not having enough motivation to get a job, all he did was watch TV and sleep, and he was getting tired of living that way. He needed to get his shit together, and the first thing he’d do would be to get a real coffee instead of the pseudo-coffee he’d been preparing since Sehun had left.

 

The little store around the corner of Luhan’s block of flats could probably tell each and every one of Luhan’s heartbreaks, he mused; if it could, it would say his heart had always been broken on the same person for as long as he had been a customer – that his love was real and would continue to be real until the day he died. 

 

He’d taken his laptop with him, so he checked his bank balance to confirm he still had enough money. Then, he e-mailed his mother, telling her that he’d be coming home for at least eight months, explaining how he wanted to work back home for a while. When he was finished, he bought an open-return plane ticket to China, and only after this, he ordered a cup of coffee and texted Yixing to  _please come over, I’m at the store_.

 

Yixing arrived fifteen minutes later, looking like he’d just ran a marathon.

 

“I thought something had happened to you, Luhan. What’s going on?”

 

Luhan had expected this reaction. “Please sit down, do you want a coffee? I have some things that I need to tell you, and I need your opinion.”

 

“No, I don’t want anything, I just had lunch.”

 

“Alright. I’ve just bought a plane ticket and already e-mailed my mother, I’m going back to China in a week. You probably saw this coming, right?” Yixing sighed.

 

“I did. I told Yifan about it. We even made a bet, sorry.”

 

Luhan laughed sincerely, it wasn’t surprising, and, on the other hand, he was pleased that Yixing wasn’t reacting negatively.

 

“Everyone knew this, though,” Yixing continued, “even Junmyeon said there was a chance you’d go home while Sehun was away. I wonder why you two are the only ones oblivious to each other’s feelings when even Junmyeon can see it.  _Junmyeon_.” He sighed again, “Anyway, I think it’s okay. It’s obvious you’re not coping well with his absence.”

 

“You know, the day Sehun left, he was having second thoughts, so I told him the truth and his reply was that ‘he hated me because I always knew what to say,’ and I think I can finally understand how he felt then.” Yixing rolled his eyes at him.

 

Luhan’s flight was on Friday at seven in the morning, so on Wednesday, everyone crowded into his flat to wish him a safe flight and spend time together.

 

Everyone looked positively thrilled, although Jongin was a bit gloomy.

 

“I have Kyungsoo, and he’s enough, but my best friend is in France and my other best friend is going back to China. What am I going to do when I want to spend a different day? You two suck. I’m going to get myself new best friends that aren’t thick enough to deny they’re in love with each other.”

 

“You can ask Chanyeol and Baekhyun, I bet they would love to be your best friends,” Luhan suggested bitterly.

 

“Yeah, no. Thanks.” Jongin deadpanned.

 

Most of them stayed the night at their flat, since the ones who were driving were too drunk to do so. Jongin and Kyungsoo stayed in Sehun’s room, after Jongin drunkenly texted Sehun asking for his permission. Luhan read the  **“IF I FOUND ANY TRACE OF JIZZ ON MY PRECIOUS DUVET YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD.”**  Jongin got in response. Baekhyun and Chanyeol used the extra room. Jongdae and Junmyeon were so drunk, they didn’t even realise they were sleeping on each other, rather than together, on the fake leather sofa. Luhan knew for a fact that it was quite hot and the last thing he’d ever want to fall asleep on. 

 

Yifan and Yixing had used Yixing’s bike; Yifan was sober, but Yixing had passed out earlier, so Yifan couldn’t actually drive him back home, so he left Yixing sleeping in Luhan’s bed and went home by himself. Luhan hadn’t been aware of how much Yifan trusted both him and Yixing to just let them sleep together and go home.

 

Yixing stayed until Friday. He helped Luhan pack his bags and went with him to the airport; Yifan was there, too.

 

“Thank you both,” Luhan started, “you’re amazing friends who have always been there for me. I appreciate that,” Yixing made a face. “I hate farewells, so I’ll ask you to leave me here so I can go in by myself and not cry because you stayed with me.”

 

Yifan hugged him briefly, “going home will do you good, but I hope I’ll see you soon. Don’t forget to call us.”

 

Luhan nodded and turned to Yixing, who gave him a dimpled smile; Luhan knew it meant he was sad. 

 

“I will miss you loads. I know it won’t be long until you’re back, but I’ve been seeing your face at least twice a week for the past six years, I suppose it’s normal to feel like this. Use this time away from your routine to think a lot,” he sighed but smiled again, “have a safe flight and text me when you’re home, yeah? I’ll take care of your house, plants and cars.”

 

Luhan chuckled, “okay, okay. I will call you. Thank you again, see you.” He quickly hugged them again before walking into the airport. 

 

He felt like going home was, in a way, giving up, but he and Yixing had talked a lot and it made him see that, even if he was right, maybe going home he’d find peace. It would help him solve his problems, or make him stronger to face them once he was back. He just hoped Sehun wouldn’t be mad because of his decision; on the contrary, Luhan wanted him to support him.

 

One of his last decisions had been his hardest. He wouldn’t get to see something he’d always dreamt of, but some things had an specific way to happen because it was the most convenient.

 

He could only hope it’d be alright.

 

 

 

>   
> _Dear Sehun,_
> 
>  
> 
> _You’re probably thinking ‘what the fuck is wrong with Luhan’ as you read this, because, honestly, who ever writes letters anymore? Haha._
> 
>  
> 
> _Well, I do. It’s something you didn’t know because I’d never had a reason to write one before. Also, because it’s not something I do for anyone. This is the part where it gets tricky, I don’t know how to continue, please bear with me._
> 
>  
> 
> _We’ve shared this flat for years, almost four of them by the time you’re reading this. It’s spring right now, so… I guess this will be sitting here, unread, until next winter. Anyway, when we first met, we had this kind of awkward connection, that we luckily upgraded until we became best friends (Jongin shouldn’t be mentioned here or else I’ll sound really creepy.) and I think that has been one of the few highlights of my life so far. No joke._
> 
>  
> 
> _In these four years, Yixing has been increasingly annoying about a topic, I suppose you should be suspecting which one by now. I don’t know how to beat around the bush, so I’ll just go straight to the point: I have fallen in love with you._
> 
>  
> 
> _I never had the courage to tell you (I still don’t have it, that’s why I’m writing this. In case I want to take it back, I can come back anytime and get rid of it.) It’s because you’re too important to me. To make it short, I’m leaving for China right now, not because I got a job offer that I couldn’t pass up, but because it’s unbearable to be here alone. I miss you so, so much, yet I can’t bring myself to say that to you. Does that say anything?_
> 
>  
> 
> _It scares me, not only because I could lose you for good, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to resist that, but because I make no sense when it comes to my feelings for you. There is so much that I want to say. However, I won’t make this letter much longer. If you read this, I’m sure you’ll have a lot of questions to ask, and I’m willing to answer them. All of them._

>  
> 
> _Yours, Luhan._


End file.
